Numbers of Self-Worth

This is an old piece of writing from the beginning of fall semester last year (my freshman year). It's interesting to look back and realize that I've come so far in terms of self-confidence and being less subconsciously judgmental; or at least I like to think so. It's game day today here in the Swamp and while I am not going to the game, I am much happier to be a Florida Gator this year than I was last year and that's what matters to me.

I'll let the rest of this old essay speak for itself.

Until recently, I considered myself a generally nonjudgmental person. I did not discriminate based on gender, sexuality, political stance, race, and all the rest of the general list. But then I caught myself little by little towards the end of my senior, realizing that I was judging people without being consciously aware of it. Every institution of higher learning is ranked, and for some unbeknownst reason to me, I took those rankings quite seriously. Not only did I catch myself thinking of others as “less intellectual” for not attending a highly ranked institution, but I also faced a giant brick wall- I broke down in tears when it came to the sobering moment of realization when I learned that I was not accepted to these “prestigious” universities. It felt like my world had closed in around me. And for what? Why did I have multiple breakdowns over something like numbers?

Retroactively speaking, I think I was in dire need of external validation- validation from people who I had never met before- the people whom we call admissions officers. What was worse is that in my time of weakness, certain people around me, looked down upon me as well, as if my own self hate was not enough. It was a rough couple of weeks to say the least. Truly good people spoke to me not condescendingly but in a caring matter, as for the others, I learned what kind of person they truly are. A common phrase thrown around regarding college is “numbers on the paper” and “how well they look on paper”, and it’s a painfully true statement – it really does boil down to that. But then again, many things boil down to just black ink on white paper, such as this piece of writing. But people are not black letters sown into the fibers of white paper; we are multifaceted, curious, complex, quirky, creatures. No matter how hard I try, I may never be able to fully articulate myself through just sentences. Although I learned many things in this time period, one of the most important is the fact that I need to work on my self-worth.

Now a month into college, I often have conversations with people and catch myself making the same unconscious judgement that I did mere months ago – I think of them as holding less knowledge than those of my friends who are at top ranked private universities, and I hate myself for it every time. I even heard a girl say she wanted to go to “X” private university, and in my mind, she suddenly became more validated. And in that exact moment, I took a step back in my mind – why was I still doing this? Psychologically speaking, it is hard to un-train your brain from doing something that is has been taught for years.

But everyday I am working at it- my self-confidence, creating my own values of worth instead of following those created by the masses, and reading between the short lines of black and white that people initially present when we meet them. I have learned that in judging others I am also reflecting on who I am as a person – and that is not the type of person I wish to be. Every day here I am left speechless by someone new I meet or just by how great the new friends I have made truly are. With all four years left ahead of me as a gator, I can’t wait to see who I will become at the end. In the time being though, I am learning more about myself and those around me every day, and can truly say it is great to be a Florida Gator.

-AG