2023 in Review

I could write about the hard things I went through this year, how I became so hopeless I did not recognize myself, how I wished so badly for things to be different. But, the beauty of the year, the beauty of life rather, is stored in the things I ate, the movies I watched, the people I hugged. These things kept me afloat, kept me alive. I am torn between the ideas that suffering is fasinating and also the least interesting thing about human nature. Suffering has its places to be explored but today I'm focusing on joy. I have made a non-exhaustive list of some of my favorite things from this year and it reminded me that no matter how much hurt I experienced, I still had it all.

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Books

I began this year with a steadfast dedication to going for walks, as “winter” is the best time to be outside in Florida, and as a result reluctantly accepted the ease of use that audiobooks provide. Well, little did I know that I would be sent through a visceral and emotional journey by choosing The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. I found myself unable to control my facial and physical reactions to the way this book made me feel. I felt insane. I found myself going for more and more walks, anything to listen to the British lady narrate the most intense social pressures exploration and romance novel I’d ever encountered. My Goodreads review includes the sentence “I shall never recover”. I literally felt so moved I made a meme to encompass my emotions. Needless to say, this is now my favorite book.

What Elif Batuman did by writing Either/Or is hold up a mirror to who I am and was, specifically in college. The similarities between Selin and I are uncanny; but then again, maybe this is the result of Elif’s two book series being the first books I’ve ever read with a Turkish-American as the main character. Until these books, I did not know what it meant to have your cultural idiosyncrasies relayed back to you through fiction. All I can say is damn you Elif! I can never write anything funny about the Turkish-American experience because you’ve already written everything for me! Beyond the cultural similarities, Selin encapsulates my confused college self perfectly: “Why is there no department of love?” A book with “humor so dry it needs a martini”, one review said, so go forth and pour yourself a glass and read this book (but read The Idiot first!).  

The most important book I read this year was The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin. Poignant, eye-opening, and heartbreakingly still accurate all these years later. Baldwin writes with clarity and precision about the persisting racism of America, definitively explaining the lasting ramifications of this country’s founding. I cannot wait to read more Baldwin in the new year, but this short book is required reading.

Movies

For the first time in my life, I paid money on Youtube to watch The Age of Innocence by Martin Scorcese. I could not find it anywhere on streaming for the life of me and when you are so moved into a frenzy by the story of Newland Archer, May Welland, and Ellen Olenska, nothing will satisfy until you watch the ostentatious, opulent, theatrical movie. Historical costuming, vignette and fading shots, and Daniel Day Lewis being internally tormented and completely bewitched by Michelle Phiefer…it has it all. 

Somehow, I had not watched the 2014 favorite Whiplash by Damien Chazelle until this year. From the opening shot I was captivated by the intensity, the music, the obsession with the idea of perfection. The pursuit of a craft, or a sport, led by someone who didn’t get to fulfill that desire in themselves, will almost always result in someone snapping instead of succeeding. I loved the close-up shots, the sound mixing, and the unrelenting terror that J.K. Simmons’ character instills in Miles Teller’s character and the audience. 

The last movie of the year that I watched in theaters, Poor Things by Yorgos Lanthimos, was an incredible and expected feat of moviemaking and the theater experience. I genuinely do not know if any of us had any idea what was going to happen for that 2 hours and 20 minutes, but god were we laughing, disgusted, enchanted, and moved. This movie had everything going for it: set designs, costumes, and architecture and was quite possibly the most philosophically oriented movie I saw this whole year. What does it mean to be a human? A woman? What does hope mean in the face of never ending cruelty? Time to grow my hair past my butt and wear the gauzy, ethereal costumes of Emma Stone’s character! 

Scents

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to turn away from more feminine scents, like the gardenia that reminds me of my grandma, and turn towards more “unisex” or just darker, muskier scents. One of my favorites in this category is Thé Noir 29 by Le Labo. Yes, Le Labo is extremely hyped and although I do not live in NYC or LA, I am online enough to know that every person trying to be hot and mysterious smells like Santal 33, but I cannot shake my love for this scent. Stunning, contemplative, yet still light enough to not be a choking tobacco scent. Picture: sharpening pencils in an old library while drinking a lovely black tea.

Continuing with the departure from florals, is Eremia by Aesop. Featuring two of my favorite things, yuzu and green tea, this is what eco-brutalism smells like to me. Although the scent profile would lead you to believe this is a lighter scent, to me this conjures up the image of wet cement, overgrown greenery, and haunting meditation sounds. I feel like this does not match who I am, but maybe if I were wearing a trench coat in a somewhat dilapidated and abandoned city of the future, it would make more sense. 

Lastly, the ocean air in Turkey; sea salt mixed with jasmine and oleander. Where I am most at peace. 

Food

Chicken Chow Fun in Wo Hop Chinatown NYC. I learned about the wonders of thick rice noodles because of this dish and have been hopelessly searching for something similar near to me but alas to no avail so far.

Hot honey and pepperoni pizza in Boston. Pepperoni so thin and crispy it curls up, bread that’s not too thick or thin, and a drizzle of hot honey - pizza perfection. Changed my life enough that it made me buy hot honey for myself.

Curry Ramen in Shibuya, Tokyo. Never did I think of curry-based ramen until I walked into a basement restaurant in Tokyo that felt like walking into a curry-scented steam room. I will be trying to find something like this for the rest of my life I fear.

Crab and Chrysanthemum salad on Japan Airlines. Eating literal flowers. I felt like a fairy. A delight…at 35,000 feet!

Fashion

The very first thing I bought this year that subsequently became my most worn - a heavy, oversized, cream colored T-Shirt from the Men’s section in Levi’s. Practical, effortless, versatile.

Thrifted vintage Anna Sui see-through floral mesh dress. Still patiently waiting for an occasion to wear it, until then, I will take it out at intervals to play dress up in my own company. Practical? Not at all. Incredibly fun and girlish? Completely. 

Places

Osaka and Tokyo, Japan. Cried on the plane ride there as I looked out the plane window and listened to the Romeo and Juliet Overture by Tchaikovsky. Pinched myself everyday. Still needing to write about it.

Artwork

Rue des Moulins, 1894, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (DC). I love de Toulouse-Lautrec and I also really find his Wikipedia page hilarious at an overview: Early Life, Paris, London, Alcoholism, Cooking Skills, Death, Art. Perfect, no notes.

Red and Pink, 1925, by Georgia O’Keefe (Boston). I have loved her since my advanced art class days in elementary school when I would spend hours trying to replicate her soft brush strokes. 

Music

Falling Apart by Slow Pulp. My most played song of the year, title reflecting how I felt for the majority of it, the one that I blast in my car, on walks, in my room…everywhere. 

Blood and Butter by Caroline Polachek. Who doesn’t want to feel like they are ascending to a place that either brings enlightenment or the death of their ego via trance-like music and bagpipes? I sure do.

On the Run by Kelela. Sultry, dance-y, powerful. I am dying to dance to this song in a heels dance class. 

I started taking dance classes again. I saw old friends I hadn’t seen in years. I went to my first baseball game and got on the jumbo screen with my friends (beer and hot dogs really do taste the best there.) I saw Tove Lo perform in Miami Beach. I watched my brother graduate medical school. Got a Miami-Dade library card. Went to DC. Tried Ethiopian food. Went to NYC! Tried Makku for the first time. Fell in love many times. Celebrated birthdays. Hugged friends. Survived, despite it all.